Saturday, July 5, 2008

Memories.....

Dear Ex,

I passed by your house today after nearly one year. I didn't realize till my friend drove by the main street parallel to your house after we were coming back from lunch. I wish I could open the door and jump out. But that didn't happen! MY breath stopped as I stared at your house and felt it looks the same like I left it before a year promising my self never to return to this area again. I looked closely to see if there were the bridal lights lightening the sky. But it looked so dark....I looked again and recalled the past. Its been 9 months and 25 days since you left me without a closure. Without even saying BYE BYE AMU...

I still carry your nick 'Amu'. People around this sphere identify me with this name. I gave you so much love which I can never give to anyone else again. I left my family....Did I say I left my family? well I still rem the day I told my mom that I will run away with her as she has promised to stay with me. I recalled the pain I gave to my mom that day and the tears in her eyes. I recalled the 5 years of every day calls without missing a day. I recalled me being outside your house every day just to see the moon for 5 mins while you drive to work. I recalled me running to lawyers to find a way to get married to you. I recalled you going with me to the court to meet the lawyers who misused our love and took advantage of us by taking money and guiding us on the wrong path. I recalled me bunking my work and risking my job and staying with you at KU till 6pm just to spend few moments together. I recalled your mother's death as my ears could hear you screaming when you entered the ward where your mother was declared dead (Allah yer7amha). I recalled me being a stranger in your family placing your mother's name on her grave as your family didn't bother. I recall crying on her death as if it was a member of my family. I recalled me supporting you after that and saying I love you and wont marry you till your elder sis gets married. I recalled my heart saying me every day that you will leave me one day. I recalled the day you left me how I was going around the streets worrying about you. I recalled myself waking up every night with nightmares. I recalled you saying that I know you will never leave me because you cant live without me. I recalled your love. I still prayed at the end that please Allah keep her safe where ever she is.

I recalled people saying that you cheated me after you left me. I recalled no one being my side and I healed my own wounds with my tears. I recalled me telling my family members after you left that no she is not bad. My heart says that she loved me. She cant do this. She will give me a closure....But I was wrong!!!!! You never called me but still my heart says you are an angel. Why? Do you have an answer to why I still have so much respect and love for you....

But I was shocked to see all this didn't hurt me as much as I expected. I thought looking at your house will make me cry. Am I that strong or am I heartless?? I am not heartless I know I am not.

Why are my hands shivering while writing this post? I have no answer to many of my own questions. I just hope that you are happy where ever you are and I will always remember you in good words. Remember if you need a friend one day I am there. I hope you wont forget my non stop day and night love for 24 hours. I hope you wont forget me. I hope you wont......

I wish I could fill this blog with you ... you and you. I wish you and me were one today so I could have two sweet kids Abodi and Maryam as we planned our life's. I wish I could answer back these people who make fun of me and my love. Did I plan to much? The mirror of life broke in such a way that I couldn't even gather the pieces again.

Am I still asking too many questions to my self? I will leave because these questions are torturing me. I still care about everyone more than myself. I am still sensitive and shed my tears like a baby. I just want to tell you that I smile to show the world that I am strong, I try to make people around me happy, I want to see people smiling in their love life's but I am not feeling too good about myself. The peace of my life is gone. Till today I cant find a shoulder who I could hug and cry. Who I could share my feelings with....My breath is getting lesser as I am typing this. It still hurts being without you....................................

Yours,

Amu

36 comments:

Ruby Woo said...

Oh amu.. it really touched me! I know it's hard but I really wish you'd move on and remember the day you had with her. Sure it ended and you miss it but at least you have her memories. WOW! I'm having tears in my eyes..

Cocoamour said...

Just reading this letter, I felt pain; a heart that has been damaged with open wounds.

If you love someone so much it's really hard to let them go. But I really think that you were as special to the relationship as she was and inshalaa she would come to realize the endless love you provided her with ..

I know no one could ever feel the pain you are going through .. but we are your new family .. so whenever you want a shoulder to cry on we are always here, our time is yours whenever you want to let all these emotions come out .. One day these wounds will heal and a new love will be by your side .. Hang in there

Anonymous said...

:( TRUE LOVE !!

Glitter said...

:"|

*speechless*

Navy Girl said...

then we wont call you amu anymore :D how about the 3 letters word i always call you oo piss you off 7ada ?? ;P well well well .. i guess i'll start calling you that ;P

Âme said...

This is Love.

It will be there forever in you.
Your heart will ache every time you think about her.

Amu :)

~ Soul

OutOfReach said...

:(

NoNoWa said...

Ohhhh.....Amu......:(

You made me cry.........and I know that nothing I say, will console u.

But bad things happen to gud ppl......and u have to move forward---stop hurting yourself. u deserve better......

Technogal said...

This is really touchy :(
If god katebha lek believe me she will be yours..If not you have to move on.I know how hard it sounds! but this is life Amu.

5roofa said...

:'(


madry shagol iv read it twice o still madry shagool


sorry

salamz,,,,

Bebe & Noonie said...

oh amu! I can't imagine leaving someone after five years..I can never do that! Ur strong
5nigatni il 3abra ;'(
*hugggsss*

purelyorchid said...

"I smile to show the world that I am strong..." Amu you are strong and as time passes you'll only get stronger... time heals all wounds remember? it'll get better just take care of yourself...

likeairillrise said...

We need more men like YOU...

The way you love is unconditional. Even after she left, you have no resentment - only love! that is truly inspiring. This relationship ended for reasons unknown... but God doesn't forget about kind hearted people like yourself. He has something wonderful in store for you. Just be a little patient... and your day will come. You deserve the best...

Do you feel a little better now that you have written this letter?

Missy said...

Don't feel ashamed of how much you love her. NEVER feel ashamed or less about yourself when people make fun of that love.

No matter how hurtful what she did was, or how bad she broke your heart. You know that no one would ever be able to occupy that special place she has in your heart.

Amu, you're one of a kind. I'm so proud of you.



P.S. I cried a river and I still am. Are we even now? :)

Balqees said...

u think by writting that post i'm gonna soften up and let lead the club la ya 7biiiby :P

i want to write a lot of stuff to make u feel better but i don't know where to start + i don't want to sound sappy coz i'm such a sappy person believe me :P

but u have xoxo now don't u ????

Anonymous said...

I was treated the same way (ignored one day out of the blue)
the hardest thing is when I think I've moved on then I fall apart again.
it seems that whenever I'm trying to be happy something has to remind me and rub it in my face and I'm back to square one again.

I know it takes time but I hate the state I'm in right now I'm so weirded out by it that I don't know myself any more.

your posts are kind of a comfort in a way to me, I know that I'm not the only one going through this now

thank you :) o allah ykon bl3on

PaLoMiNo said...

amu :"""""(
can't comment el7een.. I can feel ur pain.. and mine... it is just too much to handle...

*HUG*

PaLoMiNo said...

amu :"""""(
can't comment el7een.. I can feel ur pain.. and mine... it is just too much to handle...

*HUG*

kella met2a5er said...

Amu....

Shaktib ballah, shagool..wullah madry 9ra7a shagool!!! allah y3eenik man..wulla 3awwart galby =/

yoba we are here..I know I sound fathy..but I had a time when some really close people to me from my familly just ditched me, and I was just devestated..we grew up togather..they were everything to me, and just like that..one day, they just left me...

Now Im not comparing this to your situation, but I know how it feels to be suddenly forgoten, even when I see them in occasions!! its like I dont even exist to them....now they are back, since they needed me in few things here and there, but as much as I was attached to them before, they are just acquaintence...

I wanna tell you something funny about me, it kinda helped, back then..Im the kind of person who find some songs that help to heal the pain..my song back then was.."Abdulla rowaishid- elly nesak ensah"...just listen to the words man, that how we should take those things...you will inshallah forget, not forget..but move on, it will be nice memory..painfull put nice!! I had my share once..believe me, LoL ;p

And dude, 10 months is really really short time to heal!! I still have the "recall" memories..who doesnt have them, but you know what..I thought back then, that there is no way in hell I could find love again, or a girl who can make me feel a life again...but hey, I did "EL7EMDELLAA"......cuz that what God wrote for me to go threw to know her value, my nonowa =)

Hange on buddy, I know what ever we say or write, you still feel that no body is feeling you....inshallah allah yewafgik o ya`3sil galbik o ya36eek elbint elly testhalik, you have a HEART amu..and that is something lots of guys dont have those days...


KM..

FourMe said...

Life's a bitch that's all I'm going to say. (forgive the language)

alah y9abrik inshala

Zi-One said...

akhaih ;/
allah y3eenk ..

Feminist™ said...

I'm really sorry to hear that, hope things work better with you.

Delicately Realistic said...

Im sorry for ur loss.

Maybe it was not meant to be.
Someday u will meet someone who deserves u, who loves u unconditionally, who will make u forget.

Dont worry.
God is good ;) and life goes on.

Harlow said...

*hugs*

It's her loss, Amu. She won't find a guy like you. It's really to find love now.. close to impossible, actually!

..::Amu::.. said...

Ruby woo: this is life...dont cry..thanks for the care :)

cocoamour: thanks for making me feel that I have a family here that I can ask for a shoulder when needed :)

anonymous: I know :(

glitter: * *

Navy Girl: NO WAY...you better not get there :P you know I hate that word,hehe

Ame: thanks mate...my heart has almost lost the feeling of pain :) bs el7emdella I am better.

outofreach: :D

Nonowa: I am sorry to make you cry..I guess no everyone gets what they need..but I am happy to have people like you and KM around me :) thanks for being there..

technogal: Even if she comes back I dont want her cuz I cant trust her again!

5roofa: just smile :)

noonie: thanks for the hug :)

purelyorchid: thanks for the support an enshallah I will become more stronger :)

likeairillrise: I just loved your comments! They really made me happy. Thank you so much for the great words and support. I really felt relaxed after letting it all out here..

missy: yes we are even :P

balqeeesooo: the club is mine :PpP

Anonymous: I am glad you feel comfort after reading my post and I am sorry for your loss...

palomino: *hugs* cheer up....your hero is on his way :)

KM: It so sad that in this world we all go through such bad experiences.. Thank you for your support bro..with your sweet words I feel strong every passing day :)

fourme: ajma3een enshallah

zi-one: thanks..

delicately realistic: Sometimes things are just never meant to be..thanks for your support..

harlow: I wish she finds someone who always keeps her happy. I dont want her to feel the pain.

EVERYONE THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MAKING ME FEEL THAT I HAVE A BIG FAMILY OUT HERE AND GR8 FRIENDS WHO I CAN ALWAYS LOOK ON. IT FEELS GR8 TO BE AROUND YOU AND THIS SPHERE.

Squirreliya said...

touchy ..Allah ykoon eb 3oonik ;x

enchanteurs said...

sarli sina im staring at the comment box mani 3arfa shagool :( i really hope u get through this min kil galbi, u seem like an amazing person oo il nas il 6ayba ili methlek yestahlon kel 5air oo inshala u get niseebik min il dinya oo alah isahel 3laik :(

G |-| a |) 0 o |2 said...

sorry to hear that, bs inshalla its a matter of time o u'll get over it

9 months is nothing, be patient

and please dont u never ever think of leaving ur family for anyone again, no matter what

shoosha said...

Akhh amu... What u wrote broke my heart!

Remember.. We're all here for you

Jewaira said...

It is always easier to be the one who leaves rather the one who is left behind.

And the worst thing is not finding closure after someone leaves even if deep down you might know that will happen someday (especially as in your case it was a difficult relationship)

Darya said...

that was so sincere...

Soul said...

ga66a3t galbi :__(

ĐǻñĎõøðñ said...

madree shagool,

all i can say is that i wish i can have half as much strength and willpower as you...

Ayumi/Amoi said...

hi there.. i'm looking around n see ur blog.. very touching..10months n still not get over it.. i'm just break up 2 weeks ago after we had relationship about 5 years..
so hurt rite now.. read ur posting make me sad more.. uwaa..
but i know i will find the soul which will care bout me..insya-Allah.. n yeah.. we all have to move on.. nice posting dude!! :)

desertpalms said...

wow all i can say is you have a diamond in your heart. tears are literally falling down my face i cant stop them ='( its so sad wallah. youl never forget her because your love was true and pure..still there is hope for the future inshallah.

His Sweetheart said...

I am choking with my own words here! I am really lost for words and keyboard is typing with my tears!!

I know how hard it is for you! It reminded me of my dad's death, donno why but I was visualizing him while reading! He didn't say any colsure to me! He just left in 10 minutes when I thought it was hid diabetes and rushed to bring him sugar!!

I am really speechless! But I am sure you will find your other half again, no she will find you and cherish you! and trust me, you will put all the past behind your back. You won't regret it because it will be the entrance to your new life.

As much I am hurt reading this post but I am glad you shared it with me. It means a lot to me :)