Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Life is not a bed of rose...


I don't know why am I here again but I am here to let my heart out now. I know I did quit blogging because of the work load but as much as I am filled up in my daily life disasters I have no other place to let it all out then here...

My life has become a place of sadness. I try to fill it with happiness but something or the other brings my past back in my eyes again. I spend my days working and my nights fearing not to sleep. I am having the worse nightmares I could ever have. Its 2:53am and I have so far seen 3 nightmares in my dream. With the fear of not seeing another one again I wake up hug my pillow and wish for death with tears to relief me a bit. People see me smiling and laughing and happy but I am sorry no one has scratched me from inside and seen that there is still a lot of sadness of separation in me. I thought I got over it and yes I did but why my past comes back to me again? why do I fear not to see it again? why do I have nightmares seeing that she is sad one night and the other night that she is happy? I need peace.....

Yesterday I was having coffee with a friend in starbucks and then all of a sudden a number calls me with 6027. . . I was shocked. For a second I thought it was her but then my memory quickly recalled and said no 3aamer she is gone...she has left you... you still have her name saved in your phone but what matches are just these initial number...scared and terrified I say ''Aloo'' to find that it was a wrong number. Once I reach my office I look at the number again and guess what its not just that the initial four numbers are matching the other three numbers are same like hers too its just different order. OMG I threw my self in the bucket of old thoughts again. I tried hard to get out of them the whole day but sadly I failed...one after the other and the other and the other and a non stop flow of memories have started again marking the 4 months ....

I look at myself in the mirror I see I am a different person who has lost trust in life and people around him. I see my self as a person who never used to miss a prayer has now not prayed in days. I question my self have I lost trust in GOD... I say astagfirulla . . .

21 comments:

FourMe said...

we're all in the same boat, nothing i can say or any1 can say will make u feel better or stop u from seeing those nightmares. Most important u need to pray again thats the only thing that can give u some sort of inner peace.. and about the matching numbers thats nothing compared to everytime i get a sms my heart drops to my knees till i see who the sender is..

Anonymous said...

sry :*

La Reine said...

oh "forgot wat name ur going by now" i know wat ur going through and its been like that for almost a year, it gets better but when u condition urself to a state for so long that it just becomes second nature to them

hang in there, it'll get better, or easier anyway :* and dnt be so hard on urself

pink said...

"ele 5lghah 5alagh '3eera"...i always say that to myself..

it wasnt meant to be..cuz there is a better one for u out there..it will come wen it comes..

pray,maditate,and think positive

its what got me thru

::: ShoSho ::: said...

Hi,
Don't bother with the I quit thing, you can write whenever you want, and we will always be visiting, you said you quit but I still have you in my Google reader and i lighten up when i see you are posting..

Writing down how you feel doesn't solve things but in a way, makes you feel abit better, at least.. I love your honesty here, it's never easy and I can't just say get over it, pain is bad it hurts, trust me I know :( but one thing you shouldn't ever doubt, that allah is there but you should keep remembering him and pray, I am sure it will help, it takes time to heal, I don't know how long but I hope soon..

Cat said...

U'll be fine .. I am sure u will.
never get scare of your nightmares .. they are nothing but ur own mind presentation to things ur going through ..
well, I dont trust life and people too, so i can't advice u on that !
BUTTTT .. I never lost my trust in ALLAH anu shouldnt too.

'Grey' said...

I'm not going to say something peaceful ... instead just try this ...hug that darn pillow and sCream SCREAM SCREAM ! ( make sure your mom isnt around) .... do it just for the heck of it ... For me it works ... when i hit the rock bottom ... i just close the door and scream like hell !

Dont worry about quitting/commingback .Even Jay-Z does it all the time hee hee !

Amethyst said...

No comment

Navy Girl said...

why are you sad all over again ?? i thought you walked away and let it all go !!

GreyShorts said...

You need time , time and more time and then you'll wake up -like some guy i saw in a movie said- and you would have trouble remembering her eyes and the next day her smell and the next day her smile ...

bb q8 said...

hang in there! it'll come right!

intlxpatr said...

I am so sorry you are in so much pain, and I know you won't believe it, but it IS going to get better. Hang on, it's not like you will forget, but you will move on and happiness will find you. Hang on.

Yousef said...

you don't have to force yourself to move on, let it come naturally and it will one day.. just have faith and patience :)

..::Amu::.. said...

thanks everyone! I had a good sleep and slept while driving again...but I am still alive :D

OutOfReach said...

Your right :
" Life is not a Bed of rose "
I'm glad your feeling much better , I know its not easy , it takes time , I know someone was feeling the same way it took her two years to move on !!!
I cant tell you what to do or what not to do , but it is good that you have away to let it all out ,
anyway wish you the best :)

Pinky said...

I;m sorry that memories are stirred so easily. I find that certain smells and songs set me off on an emotional rollercoaster. Take it easy!
Pinky x

Lone Ranger'ess said...

take it ez on urself, go on a porsche test drive or do dumthing that can make u forget all about ur miseries for a split second.. that way ull see that life isnt all about the losses u faced, but its also about the simple things that can make u smile.. and ya it is difficult to let go, but time will heal ur pain, hopefully;)

we await a cheerful post!!

P.S. God is always there, dont second-think that;)

Deema said...

in such situations, i usually tell the story of a monk, who happened to slip down a rocky mountain and hanged on one of the rough projectionsand while he was waiting for either death or help, he saw a very beautiful red strawberry dangling down to him, he saw it and reached up to it.
he got it and ate it with a lot of passion, it was sweet and delicious! and he realized however is his situation or position in it, life is always beautiful and worth enjoying.

i agree that when you are busy you feel to write even more! it is a break out, you need it :)

getting over a person isn't that easy
may all the good in the world pass upon your heart and sight ..

and connect you to the topography of the soul, and teach you how love is a continuous phenomenon..

love depends on "time" way more than a "person"

..::Amu::.. said...

deema: thanks for the lovely words, really made me feel so good!

Z. said...

do u regret it?
would you do it again?

..::Amu::.. said...

z: I do and I dont!! but el7emdella I am a better person now!!