Memories.....

Dear Ex,

I passed by your house today after nearly one year. I didn't realize till my friend drove by the main street parallel to your house after we were coming back from lunch. I wish I could open the door and jump out. But that didn't happen! MY breath stopped as I stared at your house and felt it looks the same like I left it before a year promising my self never to return to this area again. I looked closely to see if there were the bridal lights lightening the sky. But it looked so dark....I looked again and recalled the past. Its been 9 months and 25 days since you left me without a closure. Without even saying BYE BYE AMU...

I still carry your nick 'Amu'. People around this sphere identify me with this name. I gave you so much love which I can never give to anyone else again. I left my family....Did I say I left my family? well I still rem the day I told my mom that I will run away with her as she has promised to stay with me. I recalled the pain I gave to my mom that day and the tears in her eyes. I recalled the 5 years of every day calls without missing a day. I recalled me being outside your house every day just to see the moon for 5 mins while you drive to work. I recalled me running to lawyers to find a way to get married to you. I recalled you going with me to the court to meet the lawyers who misused our love and took advantage of us by taking money and guiding us on the wrong path. I recalled me bunking my work and risking my job and staying with you at KU till 6pm just to spend few moments together. I recalled your mother's death as my ears could hear you screaming when you entered the ward where your mother was declared dead (Allah yer7amha). I recalled me being a stranger in your family placing your mother's name on her grave as your family didn't bother. I recall crying on her death as if it was a member of my family. I recalled me supporting you after that and saying I love you and wont marry you till your elder sis gets married. I recalled my heart saying me every day that you will leave me one day. I recalled the day you left me how I was going around the streets worrying about you. I recalled myself waking up every night with nightmares. I recalled you saying that I know you will never leave me because you cant live without me. I recalled your love. I still prayed at the end that please Allah keep her safe where ever she is.

I recalled people saying that you cheated me after you left me. I recalled no one being my side and I healed my own wounds with my tears. I recalled me telling my family members after you left that no she is not bad. My heart says that she loved me. She cant do this. She will give me a closure....But I was wrong!!!!! You never called me but still my heart says you are an angel. Why? Do you have an answer to why I still have so much respect and love for you....

But I was shocked to see all this didn't hurt me as much as I expected. I thought looking at your house will make me cry. Am I that strong or am I heartless?? I am not heartless I know I am not.

Why are my hands shivering while writing this post? I have no answer to many of my own questions. I just hope that you are happy where ever you are and I will always remember you in good words. Remember if you need a friend one day I am there. I hope you wont forget my non stop day and night love for 24 hours. I hope you wont forget me. I hope you wont......

I wish I could fill this blog with you ... you and you. I wish you and me were one today so I could have two sweet kids Abodi and Maryam as we planned our life's. I wish I could answer back these people who make fun of me and my love. Did I plan to much? The mirror of life broke in such a way that I couldn't even gather the pieces again.

Am I still asking too many questions to my self? I will leave because these questions are torturing me. I still care about everyone more than myself. I am still sensitive and shed my tears like a baby. I just want to tell you that I smile to show the world that I am strong, I try to make people around me happy, I want to see people smiling in their love life's but I am not feeling too good about myself. The peace of my life is gone. Till today I cant find a shoulder who I could hug and cry. Who I could share my feelings with....My breath is getting lesser as I am typing this. It still hurts being without you....................................

Yours,

Amu